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"The Hostile Takeover"
For those interested, I have no idea how anything in business works.
That's part of what made this so fun to write in the first place. =)
"I hope you understand why we're here today," said the spiffy
looking fox in his expensive suit.
There was an explosion of "yes sir"'s and general chatter
as the associates around the conference table nodded in unison. Mr.
Scott smiled and nodded as he looked around the room. "I'm glad
to hear that you all feel this is the direction the company should move
in. We've obviously had a disastrous last quarter, losing sales in nearly
every single division. This should be a way for us to regain some of
those losses."
A round of applause erupted from the group surrounding the CEO and he
beamed with pride. "Furthermore," said Mr. Scott, "we
should be grateful to have Mr. Tanuki as a part of the Vulpen team."
Mr. Scott took out a poster and showed a chart to his executives. "As
you can see," he said as he pointed to the chart, "Mr. Tanuki's
company has been one of the most successful firms in the last ten years,
outgrowing even the so-called financial experts' predictions."
Mr. Scott put away his pointer and again turned to face the group. "We
feel that this merger with Procyonvore will be just the spark we need
to turn a profit again. The reliability and trust that goes along with
the Procyonvore name will be more than enough to strengthen our costumer
base and expand to new markets."
The executives erupted into wild applause again at the mention of more
profits. Their own pocketbooks had been depleted as a result of Vulpen's
tough times, and they were more than happy to welcome any opportunity
to gain more money.
Mr. Scott smiled and waved for the board to settle down. "Mr. Tanuki
should be here in a few minutes for a luncheon, and then we'll sign
the deal."
The executives rubbed their greedy little paws together as they tried
to picture this demigod Mr. Tanuki. They pictured him as a great leader
and thinker, a strong motivator and manager. They also expected that
he would walk in with a proud strut, as though he knew that he was great.
They all sighed. They were ready for a change. They did not like working
for Mr. Scott, they thought that he was a weak businessman and a bit
of a jerk. None of them were willing to admit it for fear of being fired,
but they blamed most of the company's problems on their CEO. They were
happy to welcome a new boss, even if he'd only be a half-CEO in the
merged company.
Mr. Scott turned to his chair and took a seat as he waited for an announcement
of the arriving business genius. The fox was not quite as optimistic
as his cohorts though. Although he felt that this was the best move
to save his ailing company, he also had some apprehensions about the
whole thing. He was worried about having to share his company with another
executive, because after all Vulpen had been in the Scott family ever
since the beginning. He also had heard from various sources that part
of the reason Procyonvore was so large and powerful was that it had
swallowed up several smaller competitors, some even larger than Vulpen.
Mr. Scott pushed that idea out of his mind quickly though; he had talked
to Mr. Tanuki on the phone and he seemed like a very nice fellow, certainly
not the kind who would engage in any ruthless business. The CEO sighed
as he remembered a lesson he had heard in business school, the words
still etched in his mind.
"It's a dog-eat-dog world in business. Sometimes for you to gain,
another must take a fall."
A raspy crackling voice emanated from the intercom. "Mr. Tanuki
is here for the luncheon Mr. Scott."
"Send him in then," the CEO barked. "Everyone get to
your seats, and stand up! We must show the gentleman some respect!"
The board of executives quickly rose to their feet, and a few brushed
some dust off of their suit jackets. Everyone wanted to make the best
impression on Mr. Tanuki as possible.
All eyes turned to the door of the conference room as it slowly opened
and in stepped Mr. Tanuki. Their cheerful smiles turned to looks of
confusion and disgust as the executives got a look at their savior,
who to this point they had only read and heard rumors about.
He was a raccoon, which came as no surprise to the foxes, as raccoons
were supposed to be some of the smartest creatures alive and it would
make sense for them to be accomplished businessmen. What did surprise
them however was his massive size. He must've been at least nine, no
maybe ten feet tall, and had to duck under the doorframe to enter the
room. He was also incredibly fat, not at all like the foxes. Mr. Scott
took great pride in his aerobics and calisthenics programs at Vulpen,
but apparently no such programs existed at Procyonvore. At least he
had the smart suit and tie, although they were stretched greatly by
his massive belly. Obviously Mr. Tanuki had attended many luncheons
in his career.
"Hello there," said Mr. Tanuki as he extended a handpaw to
Mr. Scott, "Michael Tanuki, III, chief executive officer of Procyonvore.
And you must be Derek Scott."
Mr. Scott stammered as he took the massive paw and shook it; Mr. Tanuki
was at least three times his size. "Uh, yeah...Derek Scott, C-C-EO
of V-vulpen. Nice to meet you in person."
Mr. Tanuki smiled and gave a hearty chuckle. "Enough with the pleasantries
Mr. Scott. Let's get down to business." The businesscoon walked
over and sat defiantly in Mr. Scott's chair as if he owned the place.
He crossed one leg over and looked at the Vulpen CEO with his handpaws
folded across his chest. "So where do I sign?"
Mr. Scott blinked and pointed to an impressive buffet table. "Don't
you want to eat first? This is a luncheon after all."
Mr. Tanuki shook his head and chuckled, "No, that's quite all right,
I'll get something on my way out."
The fox nodded solemnly and sighed as he walked over to get the papers.
He stopped halfway to the table and looked around the room. "I
thought the press was going to cover this."
Mr. Tanuki gave a hearty laugh. "No, I told them to stay away.
I don't like dealing with those kinds of people. I'll send a press release
out with all the information to anyone who requests it."
Mr. Scott nodded and plodded back over to the table, carrying a small
maroon binder filled with paperwork. He set the pages down in front
of Mr. Tanuki and pointed at the dotted line. "Just sign there,
were it says First Chief Executive."
Mr. Tanuki nodded and signed the papers. He then did something surprising
and slammed the folder shut.
Mr. Scott blinked. "Hey wait a minute, I have to sign that too!"
The coon smiled and lifted the folder above his head, as if he were
taunting the shorter fox to jump and get it. "Oh do you know. Why
would I have you sign anything now that I own your company?" He
gave another chuckle, this one with a hint of arrogance. "You don't
think Procyonvore got so large by making fair deals now did you?"
The fox blinked and looked around the room for support. "I uh,
well, I'll report you! I'll leak this to the press! You can't do this!
It's got to be illegal."
The executives, who to this point had been nothing but yes men, shrugged
their shoulders unanimously in nonchalance. Their lack of opinion seemed
to show that they were fed up with Mr. Scott's leadership and eager
to start over. Why back out now when they could have someone like Mr.
Tanuki leading their company?
Mr. Scott looked appalled at their lack of support. "What kind
of board are you? Back up your leader! I control your jobs!" He
sighed and turned to Mr. Tanuki with a look of defiance. He pointed
a furry index finger in the direction of the large coon's face. "You
won't get away with this."
The coon grabbed the fox's outstretched arm with one of his own paws.
"Oh yes, I think I will." He chuckled and opened up his jaws,
revealing a large maw and tongue.
The executives smiled; they had heard the rumors. They knew exactly
what would happen, and that was why they suggested the merger at Vulpen's
last meeting. They were the ones who first mentioned Mr. Tanuki to their
boss. They tried hard to suppress a chuckle. Who needs unions to take
care of unfair and incompetent management?
The fox struggled to pull away from the raccoon's arm. "What do
you think you're doing? This is assault! I'll have you arrested! And
I'll fire all of you!!!" He turned to face his board, who were
doing absolutely nothing to help him. "Worthless employees,"
he muttered under his breath.
Mr. Tanuki chuckled and lifted the CEO off the floor with both his paws
around his waist and up toward his jaws. Before Mr. Scott knew what
had happened, his muzzle was pushed into the raccoon's maw. Mr. Tanuki's
tongue licked over the fox's face, providing the large raccoon with
a splendid taste. He was happy he'd accepted the merger.
The fox spit and coughed as his face was pressed against the slippery
tongue. He continued to struggle, trying to scratch and kick Mr. Tanuki,
but the massive grip was too much for him.
Mr. Tanuki pushed a little more of the CEO into his open jaws, forcing
Mr. Scott's head to bump up against the back of his throat. The fox's
shoulders slid in with a little force and effort, as Mr. Tanuki had
to really stretch his jaws to fit his maw over the broad shoulders.
The struggles of the fox weakened as his arms were pinned against his
side, but his legs continued to flail and kick.
The Vulpen board of executives continued to sit around the conference
table and stare toward the head of the table, where one CEO was replacing
another.
The massive raccoon now took a swallow and pulled more of the struggling
fox into his maw, Mr. Scott's head entering his fierce gullet. Mr. Tanuki
continued to knead and massage Mr. Scott's fur, as he struggled to stuff
more of the fox into his jaws. As soon as his maw was stuffed with food,
he took another swallow. At this point, the raccoon let go of Mr. Scott's
waist and reached toward his legs, snapping one up in each paw.
Mr. Scott blinked as his view suddenly became nothing but a fleshy tunnel.
His emotions were a mix of anger, worry, and self-pity. He could hear
Mr. Tanuki's heartbeat speed up as he ate, excited at the idea of so
much food. Mr. Scott had very little sensory perception, but could still
sense that his legs were dry and therefore not yet inside Mr. Tanuki's
maw.
That changed in an instant, though, as Mr. Tanuki took another great
swallow and the fox's legs and tail slipped up into Mr. Tanuki's jaws.
The coon grabbed the fox's footpaws, which had someone slipped out of
their shoes, and stuffed them into his cramped mouth. Mr. Tanuki bent
his head back and closed his eyes. He took two more swallows and emptied
the rest of the Vulpen CEO into his gullet. Mr. Tanuki's neckfur bulged
greatly with the still squirming form of the fox and he murred happily
at the feeling of so much food inside him.
The executives gave yet another round of applause, although this was
for their new CEO and was real. Mr. Tanuki looked out at the board and
smiled, even as Mr. Scott was entering his belly and making his suit
stretch even more.
"I'd like to welcome you all to the Procyonvore family," he
said, "The greatest company in the world to work for in this competitive
world of business."
The executives nodded in agreement. Business was a dog-eat-dog world.
In order to survive, you had to do the eating.
The End
This schlock is copyright Justin M. Schuver/Race 2001
Do not post without the author's permission. Have your pets spayed or
neutered.
jschuver@nd.edu
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